TITS: KID-TESTED, FATHER-APPROVED!

   Often times females will ask themselves just what the hell it is they love about their husbands or significant others. I mean seriously, men are all cut from the same cloth and they all do the unthinkable; those things that make us roll our eyes in disbelief. Whether it’s leaving the toilet seat up in the middle of the night, tracking dirt in the house after you just mopped, or leaving dirty dishes in the sink.  Just when you want to pull your teeth out one by one because of one his brainless antics, he redeems himself  by making a fabulous dinner or brings home a beautiful bouquet of flowers with a pint of your favorite ice cream. Or maybe this man just does something so incredibly simple that you have to redirect your negative thought process.
I can tell you that my man has done some pretty idiotic things since we’ve been married, but I have to constantly remind myself of all the good he’s done.   Even if the good things happen to be eccentric as hell!
My Story:
My husband and I had ventured to California with our two month old son in tow for a nice weekend away to support  our friends from college as they begin their life sentence in wedded bliss. Our second son had yet to be born, so it happened to be easier to travel, especially confined in a  car for what I consider an entire work day - 8 hours.
The ceremony was very nice and it was particularly nice to visit with our friends/teammates from college that may see once or twice a year. Because we had left our son with my parents, my husband and I were able to enjoy our evening alone. It almost felt like a date! I hadn’t even thought to bring my breast pump with me, thinking I would be alright for the few hours were at the wedding. Boy, was my dumb ass wrong!
I was able to get through the ceremony itself without any problems, but the reception was a different story. Everyone and their mama wanted to hug me and when a woman’s breasts are engorged, they feel like they will burst at any given moment like a soda can that has been shaken too many damn times. They not only feel as though they could flood the room, your breasts are painful as hell! So painful, it sets your entire body off balance. I wasn’t able to think straight, I couldn’t sit still, I had difficulty breathing and my only thought was,  “OhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGod, this flipping hurts!”
I needed relief right away, whether it meant taking a butter knife to my bosom, puncturing each one to relieve the insane amount of pressure the abundance of milk had caused or finding the nearest baby, hungry or not, and slapping him to my voluminous lady lumps, making the kid take both at the same time to kill two birds with one stone. I could have fed at least 20 starving kids in Africa with these things, but I didn’t have time. I had begun to hallucinate and become delusional from the exorbitant amount of pain from the maximum capacity of milk that was about to runneth over.
I located my husband and gave him the eye. The eye that says, “I need you to get your black ass over here immediately before I start mutilating my body like that crazed lunatic, Jeffrey Dahmer!”
He knows this look all too well, and in particular my affinity for  all situations being life and death. I quickly blurted out, “This is an absolute emergency and I’m desperate enough to cut these damn things off with the fastest thing I can find, even if it’s the got-dang keys in your effin’ pocket!”
My husband calmly responded to my irrational behavior by stating, “I don’t know why you didn’t bring your breast pump”.
Come on, jack hole! Where’s the sympathy? I clearly didn’t need him to make such a  smart-ass comment, which was about to segue into a lecture thrown in my face. It only pissed me off more which in turn, intensified the agonizing discomfort!
Instead of making the situation worse, he grabbed my hand and quickly lead me to the parking lot, not speaking a word to anyone on the way out the reception doors.  Once outside, he suggested to me that the best solution would be for him to manually express the milk. Was he talking by hand? I didn’t need him to do that, I could have taken my aching self along with my milk sacs to the bathroom and squeezed the hell out of them myself. But, my husband quickly refuted my initial assumption, by giving me the, “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” look. This look is quite mischievous and almost quite sexual.
Of course! I’m dealing with a man, here and if there ever is an opportunity for him to get close to any part of my body, especially the boobies, then by golly, of course he would be willing to help me extract milk in the best way that he knew how.
So, we both took our adult asses and got in the backseat of our Dodge Charger, laughing hysterically because of what was about to happen. There was an old, empty water bottle in the backseat that my husband used because he swore there was no way in hell that he was going to swallow the crap. It may be good for our 2 month old son, but he wasn’t down for making the milk his early evening mocktail.
When he was extracting the milk, I wondered whether he thought his bold ass suggestion was a mistake and even worth being contorted in the backseat to suck some warm milk out of his wife’s nips. Because if you saw the look on his face, it expressed a mix of a bit of pleasure but even more disgust. His description of the unorthodox incident, “I thought it would be enjoyable, but it wasn’t. I couldn’t tell the difference between the tasteless milk and my saliva, it was like sucking on a boulder, those things were so hard!”
And of course, the one thing that weighed heavily on his mind, was whether anyone saw him and if so, would they expose him at the reception by shouting, “Hey there’s that freaky guy that had his entire mouth on that chick’s bosom!’
But no one even knew what went on or why we had excused ourselves from the reception for 20 minutes. After the task was well completed, we left; he feeling rather odd and me feeling better, especially since I wouldn’t have to slice the suckers off with the nearest utensil.
Now wasn’t that nice that my man came to my rescue, that he thought entirely of me and put his wife first? Sure, he may have done it to fulfill his gratification, come on, he’s still a man. But, I have to remind myself that he sacrificed his dignity to help his poor engorged wife.
So ladies, just remember the little things your man does for you, even if it happens to be outlandish or even a bit absurd. This may have sounded farfetched, but we laugh about it to this day and humor helps in any relationship. Besides, I know I’m not the first lactating chick this has happened to!